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Let’s Agree
How often do we waste time getting into disagreements or uncomfortable situations because of our assumptions and misunderstandings?
Assumptions are the gray area in relationships. It’s where most of our problems with others start. We don’t communicate well enough, which usually leads both sides to assume things based on their experiences and belief systems. Then, people tend to fill in the gaps in the story according to these assumptions. This gray area usually leads to disagreements, arguments, and disappointments. This often happens in our daily lives, in our marriages, and with our family members. It also happens with our colleagues, team members, and bosses, where assumptions and misunderstandings lead to problems and mistakes at work, increasing tension and stress levels within the work environment.
Design the Alliance
For this month’s blog post, I’d like to talk to you about one of my favorite tools in coaching from the Co-Active coaching model. A tool we use at the beginning of every coaching relationship, a tool so powerful and impactful despite its simplicity. It’s called Design Alliance; designing how we will be in a relationship, work together, build trust, and create a supportive and empowering environment.
In my opinion, the power of this tool lies in its simplicity. It’s a reminder to pause before we jump into a relationship or into a project that needs collaboration with others and ask one another:
• What kind of environment do we want to create together?
• How can we work better together?
• What will we do when there is a problem or a struggle?
• When we disagree, how will we handle it? And how will we come to an agreement?
These simple discussions lead to behavioral agreements, which help us become more aligned in the relationship. It sets the expectations for the people involved and leaves less room for misguided interpretations and assumptions. Ultimately, we create better experiences and positive environments for ourselves and others.
At Work
At Afifi Group, we had the opportunity over the summer to introduce their leadership team to a similar tool used specifically for teams and systems from the coaching model ORSC. They had the chance to design their team alliance and see how they could incorporate this as part of their team language and culture to build their desired work environment to become more aligned and work better together.
According to research done by Gottman, 2008, teams with conflict and decision-making protocols are more successful than teams without. When teams come together, discuss, and agree on how they will behave and handle conflicts and decision-making up front, they tend to operate and work more successfully and seamlessly than other teams. They are more prepared to handle disagreements and conflicts, which helps reduce stress and increase positivity within the work environment.
Imagine sitting with your team members and asking each other:
• How will we handle conflict and disagreements?
• What will we do, and how will we act during a conflict?
• Which behaviors should we avoid when we are in disagreements?
Think how helpful it is for teams to have these discussions and agree on the values and behaviors that help support all its members when things get tough.
Bring It Home
What happens when we bring this tool into our lives? Into our homes, with our families, into our marriages, and friendships? What happens when we start these discussions with the people that matter most to us? When we start talking about the kind of environment we would like to create together, share the values that help create such an environment and the behaviors that support it.
It is easier in life to get busy and jump into our relationships, assuming things will work themselves out. However, we must be intentional and dedicate the time to build a strong foundation for these relationships. We must make sure we have the necessary conversations that help us create and build the kind of relationships we desire. Otherwise, we will likely live in the gray area of assumptions and misunderstandings.
Let’s agree to take a few minutes this week and share this blog with our families; share it with your spouses and your children and listen to their opinions, feelings, and thoughts. See what conversations can come from this? What can you as a family agree to? What kind of home do you desire to have, and how can you together help create it?
Sincerely,
Rasha Afifi-Talleh
Executive and Team coach
CPCC, ACC, ORSC trained
