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How to Build Our Resilience to Overcome Setbacks, Mistakes, and Failures

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Do you remember the last time you failed at something or made a mistake? How did it make you feel, what was your reaction, and how did you handle it?

Last month, when discussing growth mindset, we briefly touched on the value of accepting failures and mistakes as part of our growth. This month, we'll learn more about this subject through the work of Dr. Brene Brown. In her book Rising Strong, she teaches about building resiliency in the face of setbacks so that when we fall, we can get back up, learn from the experience, and keep moving forward.

There is no denying that most of us are not comfortable with the idea of failing and that facing our mistakes can be a real challenge. Failing can often bring out feelings of shame, guilt, anger, embarrassment, and regret. It can make us respond negatively towards ourselves or others and lead to consequences that are very hard to deal with and accept.

However, it's good to remember that when we see ourselves as individuals capable of learning and growth, we understand that we are a work in progress, and with that comes trials, mistakes, and failures. They play an essential part in our learning and, ultimately, our success. That is why I believe, The Rising Strong Process developed by Dr. Brene Brown is so valuable, as it provides us with a road map for overcoming mistakes and challenges.

Let's look at the steps to follow when we feel that we've failed or have made a mistake and see what we can learn from them.

Step One- "The Reckoning" and the start of our story:
This first step starts with noticing when we are experiencing an emotional reaction to a situation, recognizing if we are emotionally triggered or if our feelings are hurt. Once we become aware of those feelings, we then get curious about what happened? What are we feeling and why? And how are these feelings affecting our thoughts and our behaviors?

More specific examples of such questions can be:
• "Why am I so hard on myself?"
• "What's making me so angry?"
• "Why am I so impatient with the kids today?"

This step might seem easy. However, many people struggle with recognizing that they are emotionally triggered. Sometimes it might even take lashing out at others for them to realize that something is not right. So, becoming emotionally aware is vital.

In order to change how we react and deal with difficulties, we first have to notice how we react to them, what feelings they trigger in us, get curious about why we react this way, and decide how we would like to respond differently moving forward; This leads us to the next step.

Step Two- "The Rumble":
This next step is about understanding what happened and uncovering what's real and what's not in the story we tell ourselves about the struggle we are in. These stories are conversations we have in our heads that help us make sense of things, and they are usually full of untruths. These stories are how we sometimes justify our mistakes, blame others or put ourselves down.

According to Dr. Brown, it is part of our survival instincts to make up stories when we are hurt and don't have all the information. Instead of relying on facts to complete the story, we tend to rely on the assumptions and beliefs we have about ourselves, our situation, or the other people involved.

Therefore, we need to become aware of the stories we’re telling ourselves about our struggles. We need to be honest, curious, and brave to challenge these stories and figure out what really happened, what is real, and what is not. To do so, Dr. Brown suggests asking ourselves the following questions:

• "What happened? and What else can we learn about the situation?"
• "What else can we learn about the people involved? Is there anything we need to clarify?"
• "What else can we learn about ourselves? What's behind my reaction? What am I really feeling? And what part did I play in this?"

The difference we find here between the stories we tell ourselves about our experience and the actual truth we uncover is where the key and valuable learning happens. Only then can we recognize our part and the role we played in the situation, see what we need to do next, face the issue, learn from it, and overcome it.

Step Three- "The Revolution":
The last step is about turning this process into a practice. Following The Rising Strong process changes how we face challenges. However, only when we turn it into a daily practice of thinking about our emotions and stories that it becomes how we interact with the world; this ultimately leads to what Dr. Brene calls "a revolutionary change" that changes both ourselves and the people around us.

So, Let's take the time this month when faced with setbacks to practice, build our resilience, and recognize the effect this could have on our lives and the people in them. If you'd like to learn more about this, I highly recommend reading Dr. Brene Brown's book Rising Strong.

Sincerely,
Rasha Afifi-Talleh
Professional Coach, CPCC, ACC, INHC